Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She didnt look away and we stared at each other for a while; then she asked me what I wanted from McDonalds. FML
Today, I found out that the “book club” my wife has been going to for the past 3 years is actually a Satanic cult. FML
Today, I tried whitening my teeth with an off-brand product. It didn’t whiten my teeth, but it did burn parts of my gums off. FML
Today, I had a chest x-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, “Mother of God.” I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I’m so upset I can’t even sleep. FML
Today, I saw my boyfriend spitting the mouthwash back into the bottle, because, “this stuff is really expensive.” FML
Today, while I was sneaking a boy out of my room at 2am, I ran into my mom sneaking a man into her room. FML
Today, I was petting my cat and I jokingly said out loud, “Oh, the pussy likes it rough? You like that, don’t you?” My windows were open and I could hear the neighbors laughing. FML
Today, my son tried to swat a fly with a hammer. Our apartment walls are now littered with dents and holes. FML
